


Christmas (dil)Do's & Don'ts

by bexara



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Christmas Party, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 03:04:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1088855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexara/pseuds/bexara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The GoM, plus Kagami, Takao and Himuro have a Christmas Eve party at Kagami's place. They do a Secret Santa gift exchange, but when Aomine's adult gift for Kagami mistakenly goes to someone else, there is hell to pay. Aomine x Kagami plus light MidoTaka and KiKuro.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas (dil)Do's & Don'ts

 

When Aomine laughs for the fifth time in as many minutes, Kagami shoots him a look full of disgust.

 

“What are you giggling about, retard? It’s gross.”

 

“I don’t giggle. I chuckle manfully.” Aomine responds arrogantly, and then ruins it by snickering again.

 

“Uh huh,” Kagami isn’t convinced. He goes to his sofa and lifts one end. “Why don’t you quit laughing and do something useful, like  _manfully_  helping me move this out of the way.”

 

Aomine stops laughing, but the cat-that-ate-the-canary grin he’s wearing doesn’t fade in the slightest.

 

It pisses Kagami off. It also makes him a little nervous because, when Aomine gets in a mood like this, it’s always at his expense.

“Shit, I must have been out of my mind to agree to this insanity,” he scowls, hefting his end up while Aomine lifts the other. “Why am I letting all of you bastards into my apartment? Especially on Christmas Eve? “

 

“Hey!” Aomine’s smile finally disappears. “Don’t lump me in with those weirdos. And is that any way to talk to your boyfriend? Man, I can’t feel the love at all.”

 

Predictably, Kagami flushes at hearing the dreaded b-word. Forget agreeing to host a Christmas party for every member of the Generation of Miracles, he’d obviously already lost what brains he had months ago when he stumbled into this relationship with Aomine.

 

“I don’t ever remember saying I loved you,” he denies, rather pathetically, as he moves his end of the sofa against the wall so it opens up more space in the living room.

 

Dropping the other end with a thud, Amonine leans up against it and crosses his arms, an unholy glint in his eyes. “You don’t have to say it, Bakagami, you tell me every night when you cry out ‘More, Aomine, more! Do me harder! Fuck me with that big, thick cock of yours.’”

 

He says all this in a high-pitched falsetto that Kagami would never, ever produce.

 

“I don't say that shit, asshole!” Kagami blushes harder than ever because, though Aomine may have taken some artistic liberties there, Kagami has in fact asked for it harder and faster before.

 

It’s Aomine’s turn to sound unconvinced. “Uh huh. Well,” he continues, easily hopping over the arm of the sofa and plopping down on one of its cushions, “you could have just said no, y’know. It’s not like anyone made you have this little shindig here.”

 

“Um, yeah, the thing is,” Kagami mutters and nervously brushes off imaginary lint from his couch, “I kinda let Kuroko talk me into it.”

 

Leaning back his head, Aomine studies Kagami for a moment and then nods. “Tetsu threatened you, huh?”

 

Slumping in defeat, Kagami falls over onto the sofa, head in Aomine’s lap, legs dangling over the other arm.  “He did. Seriously, the guy is like half my size. Why am I so afraid of him?”

 

Enjoying their position, Aomine lazily trails his fingers up and down the other man’s arm. “Because he’s freaking scary when he gets mad.” Aomine speaks from experience, having occasionally, alright  _more_  than occasionally, been on the receiving end of his old friend’s temper.

 

Grunting in agreement, Kagami shifts slightly and subtly rubs his head against Aomine’s chest. “Yeah, I remember the first time I saw him like that, during our match with Kirisaki Daīchi. I totally freaked. It’s always the quiet ones.”

 

Smothering a smile, Aomine responds to Kagami’s invitation and runs his hands through that spiky red hair, for once keeping his perverted mind to himself when his boyfriend sighs blissfully.

 

“Still,” Kagami continues, as if he isn’t sprawled out like a big cat getting petted by its owner, “this is too much. Kuroko, that bastard, he better remember this. He’s going to owe me like ten trips to Maji after tonight.”

 

“I don’t think Tetsu has that much money,” Aomine replies dryly. “Hell, I don’t even have that much money.”

 

“I don’t eat that much!” Though the table in the corner, nearly overflowing with fried chicken, potatoes, and cakes of all sizes, contradicted this statement. “Ugh, and this whole Secret Santa thing is so stupid. Kuroko totally got it all wrong. You are supposed to know who you are buying for. They just aren’t supposed to know it’s from you. Making it so both sides are secret is just retarded. Besides, I still know who I got. Like it’s such a secret when the person whose number I drew writes for their likes ‘Nerunerunerune Candy and pastries’. It’s obviously that giant. I felt so stupid buying that crap. And why’d he have to be number one, anyway?” Kagami shifts uncomfortably. “At least he won’t know who got the stupid present for him.”

 

Before he’s even finished, Aomine is off smirking and laughing again. “So you got Murasaibara, huh? Well, you could have just got him something else. That’s what I did. If I’m going to be forced into this—”

 

“Ah hah! Kuroko totally got to you, too!”

 

“—then I’m going buy whatever I feel like. Though I think my person is going to be totally surprised and happy.”

 

“You’re doing that thing with your face again.” Kagami frowns up at him. “It’s disgusting. I feel sorry for the poor guy, having you as his Secret Santa. You probably got him a porn magazine or something.”

 

Feeling a bit put out, because the person he’s  _actually_  gotten is looking up at him with distaste, Aomine tugs a little too hard on Kagami’s hair.  “I got you, you bastard!”

 

Kagami bolts up, nearly nailing Aomine in the chin with his head. “I don’t want a porn magazine!”

 

“It’s not a porn magazine, dammit! It’s—”

 

Whatever he’s about to reveal goes unsaid, cut off by knocking at the door.

 

Face darkening, Kagami goes to answer it. He’s not looking forward to this night, not in the least. While he doesn’t mind (and in fact relishes) playing against them, he simply can’t handle the jerks when they are off the court.

 

Even though he thinks he’s prepared, when he opens the door to find an explosion of color waiting for him that has nothing to do with Christmas and everything to do with the other five members of the Generation of Miracles plus two dark-haired tagalongs, he reflexively starts to slam the door in their faces.

 

Kuroko’s voice stops him. “Merry Christmas, Kagami-kun.”

 

Those blue, blue eyes hold both anticipation and a warning. Knowing he’s beaten, Kagami pushes the door completely open and steps aside. They all file in, gaily decorated packages in hand, all except Midorima who is also clutching a fully decorated, five foot tall Christmas tree. Kagami’s gaze zeroes in on the other man and his oft commented on eyebrows shoot straight up into his hair.

 

Noting his gaze, Midorima harrumphs and pushes up his glasses with one neatly bandaged hand. “Hmph, don’t be mistaken. This is my lucky item for the day.”

 

“Your lucky item is an ugly, plastic Christmas tree?” Kagami’s disbelief is unmistakable.

 

Midorima just harrumphs again and looks down his nose in that pompous, supercilious way of his while that guy who’s always joined at his hip holds on to him, giggling and snorting and laughing so hard the branches on the tree tremble, vibrating the decorations and making them jingle.

 

“Wahaha, Shin-chan is such a tsundere,” Takao breathes through his laughter.

 

“Shut up, Takao.”

 

Kagami doesn’t even know why that Takao guy is here. For some reason, Kuroko had insisted, just like he’d maintained Himuro had to come, too.

 

Speaking of which. “I can’t believe you came, too, Tatsuya,” he grumbles at his childhood friend.

 

Himuro shrugs, a slight smile playing on his lips. “It sounded fun.”

 

“Yeah, about as much fun as having a firecracker shoved up my ass.”

 

A familiar arm throws itself over his shoulder. “What about shoving something up your ass? I thought you said not to talk about our sex life in front of other people.”

 

Aomine says all of this casually but his dark eyes are hard and flinty as he looks at Himuro. Though he would never admit it out loud, he’s not thrilled with the relationship Kagami shares with this guy or the paired rings they both carry.

 

Himuro is amused. He knows exactly what Aomine’s problem is.

 

Kagami is  _not_  amused. He doesn’t understand Aomine’s reasons for being a dick, he only knows the bastard has just embarrassed the hell out of him in front of one of the few people who matter to him.

 

His elbow flies back, hitting Aomine’s stomach with a satisfying thud.

 

“What was that for?” Aomine wheezes as he doubles over.

 

“Figure it out, asshole!” Spinning around, Kagami stomps over to the food laden table and grabs a piece of chicken. Murasakibara is already there, stuffing his face with one of the cakes. That’s the only reason he came, after all. Well, he came for the cakes and because Aka-chin said to.

 

“You’re face looks like a tomato,” he comments and lazily reaches for another sweet. “Is it tasty like one?” He doesn’t mean anything racy by it, that’s just how he is.

 

“Ask Aomine! He seems to enjoy telling everyone everything!” Kagami shoves the chicken in his mouth, glaring daggers at his boyfriend across the room.

 

Akashi is sitting in the lone chair in the room, surveying the entire scene with cool amusement. Besides the ruckus Aomine and Kagami are causing, Kise is hanging on to Kuroko, babbling in his ear while Midorima is setting up his “lucky item” and ignoring Takao who is trying to assist him but is laughing so hard he is more hindrance than help. It had been the right thing to do, agreeing to Kuroko’s request that they all spend Christmas Eve together. They hadn’t been like this since Middle School and it feels like they just might be able to regain something they’ve lost. His eyes meet Kuroko’s and he sees his own thoughts reflected there. Smiling slightly, he gives his former teammate a nod.

 

The night progresses. They eat and talk and have more fun than any of them could have imagined. Aomine somehow weasels his way back in Kagami’s good graces and the two are arguing about basketball when Kuroko stands up.

 

“I think we should do the Secret Santa exchange now. It’s getting late and I know Akashi-kun is catching a plan for Hawaii tomorrow.”

 

“Figures,” Kagami mutters, then winces when Kuroko, who is standing beside him, steps on his toe.

 

“As I was saying, let’s get started.” Kuroko pulls out a folded up piece of paper and consults it. “Alright, who has number one?”

 

Murasakibara raises his hand. “That’s me.”

 

Kuroko points to the presents, which have somehow ended up under Midorima’s tree. “Alright, Murasakibara-kun, go find the present with the number one on it and open it.”

 

The giant shuffles toward the tree, digging through the gifts until he finds the right one.  “Can I open it now, Kuro-chin?”

 

Kuroko nods and Murasakibara rips the wrapping off. His face lights up like a kid’s in a candy store. “Nerunerunerune!!”

 

Feeling flustered, Kagami moves back to lean against the wall. Aomine joins him, and of course he has to say something.

 

“Aww, look at him, so happy. You’re such a sweetheart, Kagami.”

 

“Piss off!” Kagami hisses out of the side of his mouth.

 

Murasakibara skips back to the seat he’d taken on the sofa, already scarfing the snacks down before he even gets there.

 

Kuroko calls number two. Midorima gets up with a heavy sigh, looking for all the world like a man about to face a firing squad.

 

“Fight, Shin-chan!” Takao calls out, though he’s practically bouncing with excitement.

 

“Shut up, Takao!”

 

Midorima fumbles around, finally finding his present. He returns to the floor beside Takao and calmly, carefully removes the gift wrap, folding it neatly and setting it aside.

 

“Wah, that’s just like Shin-chan, even your unwrapping skills are precise and methodical.”

 

“Fool! If you do it like this, you can reuse the paper later.” Midorima pushes up his glasses. Takao bursts into another fit of laughter but the other man ignores him, pulling the lid off his box and blinking down at its contents. “It’s my rolling pencil.”

 

“Merry Christmas, Shin-chan!” Takao grins unrepentantly. “I traded numbers with Aomine just so I could be your Secret Santa.”

 

Beyond irritated, Midorima glares at his partner. “You dare give me back my own pencil for Christmas?”

 

“I know how much you love that pencil.”

 

“Then you shouldn’t have stolen it in the first place. Come here, Takao, I need to reeducate you about a few things.”

 

Midorima grabs Takao by the back of his shirt and hauls him off out into the hall. 

 

“So you traded numbers with that hawk-eye guy, huh?” Kagami glances over at Aomine.

 

“Hey, I’m a nice guy. He wanted it so bad, I just couldn’t say no.”

 

“Sure," Kagami snorts disbelievingly. "How’d he know it was Midorima’s number anyway?”

 

Aomine sneaks a look to make sure Kuroko isn’t listening to them. “He and I peeked at the list after Tetsu wrote it all down.”

 

“You’re lucky Kuroko didn’t catch you.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

They go back to watching the others. Himuro is up next and gets a keychain. Kuroko follows. His present is a stuffed dog that could have been Nigou’s clone. Since Kise is over there sparkling, they all know it’s from him. After that, Takao steps up, having just returned from his “reeducation” session with Midorima. His eyes are bright and his lips are suspiciously red, but no one comments on it.

 

“Er, what an … interesting gift.” He holds up a book with the words “The Art of War” stamped across it.

 

“You’re welcome,” Akashi smiles benevolently from his kingly perch.

 

“Eee, Shin-chan, what do I do?” Takao whispers nervously.

 

“Just take it and sit down, idiot.”

 

Takao sits down, but makes sure he’s on Midorima’s other side, the side furthest from Akashi.

 

“That brings up number six,” Kuroko glances around the room.

 

Aomine straightens, practically rubbing his hands with excitement. He waits for Kagami to move, but the redhead just stands there. It’s only as the  _other_  redhead in the room gets up that Aomine realizes he has made an awful, terrible, possibly life-threatening mistake.

 

“Uh, Kagami, just to verify,” he begins, his voice sounding sickly to his own ears, “you have number six, right?

 

“What? No, I have number nine,” Kagami fishes a scrap of paper out of his pocket and shows it to the other man. “Why?”

 

Face alternating between violently pale and nauseating green, Aomine wipes at the sweat now dotting his brow. “No reason,” he laughs weakly. “Say, I’m suddenly in the mood for ice cream. Do you want some ice cream? I definitely need some ice cream. I’m going to run to the convenience store down the block and get some.”

 

He’s already pulling away, but Kagami, suddenly overcome with a terrible premonition, clamps his fingers around Aomine’s wrist. “Oi, what did you do? It’s not really a porn magazine, is it?”

 

“No,” Aomine squeaks. Clearing his voice, he tries again. “No, it’s definitely not porn, but I think it would be for the best if we got out of here  _right now_.”

 

Unfortunately, it’s much too late. Akashi is sitting back down and peeling off the last bit of wrapping paper. His expression doesn’t change, which makes Aomine all the more terrified.

 

“Ryouta,” he addresses Kise who has been fawning over Kuroko again, “I think I got your present by mistake.”

 

“Oooh, what is it, Akashicchi?” Kise, clueless, airheaded, beautiful Kise asks innocently.

 

Holding it between his thumb and forefinger, Akashi pulls out a plastic encased item that draws every eye in the room. It might be because the name “Purple Thunder” is emblazoned across it, or it could be because it’s an uncomfortably large, vividly purple vibrator covered tip to end in spiky nubs.

 

Kise’s eyes widen and he blushes furiously, the color an interesting contrast to his golden hair. “That’s not mine, Akashicchi!” His screeching cry echoes through the room. Midorima flushes, too. Takao just takes one look and starts rolling on the floor. Murasakibara is more interested in his snacks and Himuro wonders if people would calls these guys the Generation of Miracles if they could witness this scene right now.

 

Kagami’s hold loosens and Aomine tries to slink away, but he doesn’t get very far.

 

“Aomine, you bastard,” Kagami rounds on him, face burning, and slams him into the wall. “I can’t believe you bought that … that … that  _thing_! I’m going to kick your ass.”

 

“Oh, so it’s Kagami Taiga’s, my mistake.” Still sounding unruffled, Akashi drops the vibrator back in the box. “My apologies, Ryouta.”

 

The blond doesn’t hear him, sobbing hysterically into his arm while Kuroko consolingly pats his back.

 

The gazes who were staring at the sex toy with equal parts horror and fascination shift to Kagami. He can feel their eyes boring into his back and he just wants to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. He’s never been so embarrassed. It’s a wonder he hasn’t gone right up in flames.

 

“I was going to tell you before you opened it not to show anyone,” Aomine lifts his hands placating, as if that makes everything okay.

 

“Then you shouldn’t have bought it in the first place, dickhead!” Kagami pushes away from Aomine. Spinning on his heel, he heads for the bedroom.

 

As he passes by, Akashi holds the box up. “Don’t forget your present.”

 

His soul screaming, Kagami yanks the box away and stomps into his room. He hears a muffled, “Eh, Shin-chan, should I have gotten you something like that instead?” followed by a loud smack and the sound of someone hitting the floor.  _Why is this my life?_  he asks himself pitifully as he throws himself on the bed.

 

Back in the other room, Aomine keeps waiting for Akashi or Kuroko to do something. Like stab him or punch him or something. They don’t. Kuroko, having finally calmed Kise down, goes back to his list as if nothing has happened. Akashi sips tea out of a cup he found somewhere. Takao is still on the floor, gasping and moaning because Midorima is now using him as a chair. Murasakibara just continues stuffing his face. Himuro, on the other hand, gives him a look of intense dislike.

 

“It was a joke,” he explains to no one in particular, but his words are ignored. Feeling guilty and abused, even though no one has said anything, he curses loudly. “Shit! This is stupid. It was a gag gift. I’m gonna go set that idiot straight.”

 

“Some things aren’t funny, Aomine-kun.” Kuroko calls after him. “And, if we hear crying, we won’t interrupt.”

 

Outraged, Aomine throws a dark look over his shoulder. “I’m not going to make him cry, Tetsu!”

 

“I wasn’t talking about Kagami-kun.”

 

Those ominous words stay with him all the way into Kagami’s bedroom.

 

“Look, I’m sorry. It was supposed to be a joke.” Aomine shuts the door behind him.  “I didn’t know I had the wrong number. I thought it said six not nine. I admit it, I’m an idiot. Happy now?”

 

Kagami stirs. “I’m still pissed at you. That was fucking embarrassing. Now they all think I’m some kind of pervert who gets off on things like that.”

 

Aomine moves to the bed. “Nah, they think I’m the pervert.”

 

“You are a pervert.”

 

“See, then it’s all good.”

 

“You know what would make it better?”

 

Flopping down beside Kagami, Aomine lightly caresses his back. “What?”

 

“This.” Before he realizes Kagami’s intent, vice-like hands grab his shoulders and flip him over. Letting all his weight crush Aomine into the bed, Kagami shoves something in his boyfriend’s face. It’s the vibrator, out of its package and ready for use.

 

“Y-you really aren’t thinking of …”

 

“I am.” The smile Kagami gives him is both determined and wicked.

 

Aomine swallows hard and tries to buck Kagami off. It's not use. The other man clings to him like a limpet, making escape impossible.

 

For the next hour, Kagami shows him exactly how bad of a decision he’s made. True to his word, neither Kuroko nor any of the other bastards come into the room, even after Aomine climaxes for the fourth time and begs for mercy. To his shame, the things Kagami does to him during that time make him feel so good he almost blacks out. However, he still swears to himself that next time he’ll just get Kagami a freaking coupon from Maji. His ass will thank him for it.

 

End.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this. I think having Aomine get his in the end is funnier than having poor Kagami reduced to a quivering, embarrassed mess. Written for and prompted by kagamiis on tumblr.


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